Rant at a Rebound

Sorry I'm so fucked up.

Sorry my feelings shut off at the most fucked up moments.

Sorry my feelings are overwhelming and fucking erratic the next.

Sorry you chose to stay and deal with my bullshit, my fucking husband's bullshit, my life of fucking bullshit.

Sorry I can't explain to you what I can't even fucking explain to my own damn self.

Sorry I can't think like you, fucking feel like you, believe like you.

Sorry I'm not ready for you yet.

Sorry I don't want to be responsible for your heart or anyone else's, when I'm not even fucking sure I want mine.

Sorry I haven't collected all the fucked up pieces of my heart, much less try gluing them the fuck back together.

Sorry that at times I feel dead inside.

Sorry I alternately feel like I'm burning alive and drowning at the same time.

Sorry I'm having trouble accepting that the most intense fucking emotions of my damned life have been snuffed out.

Sorry I can't take that leap of faith and love off that cliff, when I haven't even finished crawling out of my fucking black hole, much less climbed the damn cliff.

Sorry I am pissed while I write this.

Sorry I am numb while I write this.

Sorry I am crying as I write this.

Sorry I am confused as fuck half the fucking time.

Sorry I am writing 'fuck' so many fucking times...

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, FUCK!!!

Sorry sorry sorry sorry

Sorry as Fuck!!

Now fuck off so I can feel sorry for myself.

I don't feel a fucking thing.

I FEEL EVERYTHING....

FUCK.

Wrote this about a month ago. Don't let it scare you. I'm mostly OK.   o.O

A Mother's Day at the Beach

Spent the morning in contemplation of God, and upon entering a perfectly beautiful day, I had to stay out in it. Since I had my kids for a rare weekend, I packed everyone up and hit the marina... Amazing... My little girl played in the sand while my boy climbed the playground like Spider-Monkey... The sunshine, the warm breeze, the crashing waves against the pier...couldn't ask for more except maybe someone to cuddle up on the blanket with or to hold my hand as we walked the sand and boardwalk... *sigh*... Alas, a mother must do it all herself, by herself, even accompanying one's self. But it was still soothing for the soul...at least until the girl child decided she wanted to run the beach and climb the seawall...then trying to wrangle the boy from among the other rugrats running about and drag the girl kicking and screaming while trying to put away the blanket and hold the bags and not let her escape into the sea or what have you... ugh. Relaxation never lasts long while the children are about. Guess I should be thankful for small blessings... my princess sitting on the blanket's edge digging in the sand for a decent stretch... no one stealing our things... sharing Starbursts... Besides the lil chick who had the audacity to ask for money for candy, which amazed me so much and put me on the spot that I actually gave it to her; most of the little urchins around were relatively sweet. An interesting day, to be sure... The beach was beautiful though... must go back soon...preferably without the fruitage of my loins.

Interview with a Nuyorican

Welcome. My life is never simple, nor is my outlook on the world. Here, I will share my musings, whether as poetry, opinion, advice, observation or rant. I'm not inclined to filter for this blog so if you are here to be offended, to judge, to hate, what have you; this is not for you. You have entered the uncensored mind of a...well, you'll see. Enjoy the journey. You just might learn something. Or not... I don't give a flying rat's... ;)